I'd like to introduce you to....

I would like to introduce you to Jennifer. On this blog you will get to see the times Jennifer and Jesus do cool things because His name covers mine and leads my feet. But it would be false if I only wrote about the times Jennifer is used by God and not the times Jennifer decides to use time for herself. I would also like to publicly ask for forgiveness from you who pray for us because today I messed up.

Every Thursday Cameron and I have a date. A day set aside to make sure our marriage and friendship has time to be watered and not be neglected. Today was like no other, we walked around and talked and then sat down to enjoy coffee together. We were busy talking about ministry and new opportunities when a young woman walked up beside me and her hand was out. "Money, give me money. Money, give me money." Over and over again she continued to say this with a blank stare on her face. I knew something wasn't right, it didn't feel right in my spirit. This was not a usual situation, she was not right mentally, she was high on drugs or simply she was demon possessed but something was saying this situation is not normal. She stared at Cameron, I stared at her and I waited to see her blink...nothing. Quite honestly I was uncomfortable. After some time, the waiter came and tried to make her leave. He eventually gave up and she stood behind me "Money, give me money." Over and over again, never breaking her stare or tone she continued to say “Money, give me money”. Yes, we could have easily given her some money and been done with the situation but that's not our common practice and I didn’t want to give her money if she was high on drugs but honestly I didn't want to invite her to sit with us either or take her to buy her food from a local store. I just wanted to be with Cameron uninterrupted and I didn't want to spend time to break through the strange situation in order to share the love of God with her and so we stood up and walked inside the restaurant. Maybe this is what God would have lead us to do or maybe something awesome was about to happen, the problem is I never asked God. We stood up and walked away and as soon as we did, she began shrieking. It raised goose bumps on my arms. It was like whatever hell she is in, in that moment I said "I don't have time to pull you out of hell so stay there while I enjoy my coffee." We never saw her again. I fed pigeons today next to Cameron but I didn’t take time for a person that is created in His image. To the filthy parasite birds I threw out food and to her I threw out no life, no love, no hope, and no rope to offer to pull her out of a pit.

So tonight, you guessed it, all I can think about is this moment when Jennifer without Christ got to drink coffee on a date. Jennifer is who I am and every day I have a t-shirt that says "JENNIFER" written across it. Because I gave my life to follow Jesus, I also have a shirt on that says "JESUS" but every day I decide which name I will promote when I get out of bed. Today my "JENNIFER" t-shirt covered my Savior and it wasn't a good day. I have asked God to forgive me and now I have taken time to confess this great error to you as well. I ask you to forgive me as you have taken time to pray for us and I wasted your time.
With a humble and broken heart I will be more purposeful to use each moment to share Jesus with the world.

What life could have looked like...

During my meditation today I read the following verse:
"If the LORD had not been on our side-" Psalm 124

I took a moment to look back and ponder what your life might have turned out to look like if the Lord had not been beside you.
Here are a few of mine:

"If the LORD had not been on our side" I would have stayed depressed after losing my babies.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" I may or may not have married Cameron but I know my marriage would not be the amazing love it is.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" I would have died or been seriously injured in a head on collision at 17 years old.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" Me and possibly my children would have lost our lives at the hand of a crazy gun waving man in New Orleans who intended to take it.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" Micah and Benjamin would be names only imagined and never held.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" We would own a home in America and live out a life soley for our own purposes.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" I would have had one or many affairs and be divorced right now.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" Both Cameron and I would have brought damaging issues into our marriage from our childhoods.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" I would have blindly walked down a path of sin set before me.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" I would hold hate and bitterness against others in my heart rather than forgivness, mercy and love.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" I would never be able to tell of awesome miracles and dreams He has given us.
"If the LORD had not been on our side" We would not have become who we are today and who He continues to mold us to be.

Chapter 124 ends with this thought that because the LORD was and is on our side:

"We have escaped like a bird from the hunter's net; the net is torn, and we have escaped. Our help is in the name of the LORD the Maker of Heaven and earth!"
Ps. 124:7-8

Thank you God for tearing a net that satan had intended to capture us in. Take a moment today to think of all the ways God has torn open a hole in the net satan intended to destroy you with and give God due praise!
Some of you reading this are still trapped in the net but there is hope in the hand of mercy that is found in Jesus Christ. Only His hand is Mighty to save, call out to Him today!

Put down the RED PEN & step away from my son...

Tonight Micah broke down crying when I got on to him for not following my directions during bedtime. He said "Mom everything in my life is a red X. I always make mistakes, I don't want to but I do and I get the red X." I said "What red X, I don't understand what you're talking about?" Micah said "Everytime I do my work I always do it wrong and my teacher writes a big X on it and tells me to do it again. I don't understand bulgarian and when she tells me in english it still sounds like bulgarian. I always get red X's on everything, she just says wrong and writes the X. On the bus no one wants to be my friend I guess because I'm just a big red X."

We talked for a long time and I told him that he is not the only kid in the world to have to deal with the awful red X. I told him that daddy and I both had a lot of red X's growing up and showed him my bulgarian homework that was filled with the ink of a red pen. When I looked at my bulgarian homework it was hard to see past the red ink of my mistakes and see the blue ink where I had written something perfectly. I understood how Micah must feel. The red ink is so much brighter and screams out the mistakes you made. Micah and I talked about how we are children of God and we are not people with a Red X. Our Jesus took all of those Red X's and he bled and died for our Red X's. When we follow God and put our faith in His sacrifice for our Red X's then God puts an eternal smiley face sticker on our heart and strips the Red pen from satan's hand. The Bible talks of how Jesus is our advocate, He will stand between us and satan the accuser and tell satan "Put down the RED PEN and step away from my child!" Praise God that we have such a wonderful Savior and Lord and no longer live in fear of the Red X because we are forever forgiven.
Tonight Micah and I made the "I Hate Red Pencil Club" and made up jokes about the red pencil, mostly about karate chopping it in half. =) Though I was sad that he had been struggling with marking up his self esteem with that red pencil it was so good to have talked about what his identity is in the Lord and how God sees him with a smiley face sticker and not a red X. My prayer for everyone who reads this blog is that first you have a saving faith in Jesus. You have repented of your Red X's and have asked Him to save you. The Bible assures you that satan is waiting with a red pen in his hand waiting to accuse you on the day you stand before God and you will be guilty before His holiness if you have chosen to live a life outside of His Son Jesus. Finally if you are a child of God I pray that you are not living your life allowing satan to threaten you with the Red X's of your past. The Bible says you are a new creation and if God holds no record of wrong against you then why would you choose to hold a record of your mistakes against yourself. Jesus took our Red X to the cross with Him and wrote on the top of our paper FORGIVEN...Mercy covers all.

She has bread...the story of Elena

On Wednesday, my brother and I had two days left to spend together and I was taking him to my favorite place to have lunch. The sun was bright and I was cherishing every moment of being with him as we waited for the trolley. To my left I saw an elderly woman look into the trash can and dig for a moment in search of something. Most people assume that only the Roma dig in the dumpsters, but in Bulgaria the Roma are not the only ones who search for things they need in order to survive from day to day. Everyday when I walk to language class, I see elderly people dig through the dumpsters and small trash cans around the city looking for a variety of things. The elderly woman that day made eye contact with me as she walked away from the dumpster. I smiled at her and said hello and she already had her hand extended out towards me as she walked over to ask me for money to buy bread. I told her that I would look in the store closest to us and buy her some bread and she agreed. I was surprised that this store had no bread! I usually hesitate to hand out money but this situation was different and I did not have a choice. As I gave her the money my brother said to me tell her that “Jesus is the bread of life” and with that I began to share the gospel. I told her that the money I gave her would buy her bread today but would not fill her hunger. As surely as the sun rises, she will be hungry again but the Bible tells of eternal bread, eternal life in Jesus. With Jesus we will be satisfied and He will never leave us lacking. She said she wanted to read about this but she did not have a Bible. We set a meeting time for Friday at 4:00 and I told her that I would give her different bread, I would give her the Bible. She hugged me probably 1,000 times and the smile on her face was permanent as she walked away.

Yesterday I enlisted my friends to pray about my meeting at 4:00 pm and thank God that they prayed! This morning my meeting with Elena was all I could think about but at around 3:00 o’clock I forgot! At 3:30 we arrived at Benjamin’s school to pick him up and desired to go up to the mountain. When we arrived at the school his teacher said that Benjamin was in a deep sleep and asked us to return after an hour. Cameron had errands that he needed to run and so my brother and I sat and drank coffee to pass time. (Right by the place I was supposed to meet Elena!) At 3:51 I looked down at my watch and immediately my heart skipped a beat as I remembered the meeting. Cameron had the keys and Elena’s Bible was locked in the car. Fortunately he was able to quickly return to us and give us the Bible within 8 minutes. We quickly walked to the meeting spot and when the next metro arrived, Elena’s sweet beaming face was waiting!

I want you to understand that my language is not where it needs to be and my level of being able to hear and understand Bulgarian is my biggest struggle but somehow despite these struggles God continues to use my obedience rather than my abilities. It is in these moments I want to and actually do cry and tell God “I’m worse than Moses, please stop using me until I can actually do this ministry fully” and it is these times that God tells me “I never needed your abilities, I desire your obedience.”

Elena and I talked for an hour and shamefully I understood so little and told her so many times that I did not understand but she would just hug me, kiss my face and tell me how much joy she has. We set up our next meeting for Tuesday and we will study the Bible together and again I shake my head wondering how God can use me but trusting that He is doing something more than I can give and so I lay my obedience as an offering at His feet and walk away knowing that though I feel inadequate, next Tuesday He will be all she needs.